You know you are a mommy when....

You know you are a mommy when...

1.  Halfway through pulling a new shirt over your head, you realize it is inside out, and you continue wearing it that way because it would take more energy to take it off and and start over.

2.  You start buying more shirts with printed fabric to cover up the spit up stains.

3.  You start to cheer when anyone toots.

4.  You are enjoying the contentment of your son bouncing on your lap when you feel hot liquid seep between your legs, and it doesn't belong to you.

5.  You change you clothes every time you change your son's clothes.

6.  For the first time you are thankful for that floral print hand-me-down couch someone gave you... hides poop stains very well...

7.  You trade in your silk throw pillows for cotton ones... easier to clean...

8.  As you walk out of the house, you look down and notice something stuck to the bottom of your shoe... it's not toilet paper, but a breast pad.

Safety Patrol

When I was in elementary school at Cedar Creek Elementary, there was an elite group of student leaders known as the "Safety Patrol".  Being the nerdcake that I was, I yearned for the day when I could apply for the "Safety Patrol".  I am not sure if it was the need to please the teachers, the neon yellow plastic sash that compiled the uniform, or the deep seeded desire to lord over my fellow students... whatever it was, I LOVED being on "Safety Patrol".  Our duties included opening doors for kids, monitoring the halls for the stray students, and folding and unfolding the American Flag... looking back, I am not sure why I thought it was so fun, or why any of these activities made our school "safer"...

But I think the real reason we have these "hall monitors"..."student safety guards"..etc.. or whatever you called them at your school is because we live in a country over run with the notion of being SAFE... but unfortunately we have taken safety to the extreme.  Heaven forbid we allow a kid to skin their knees or fall off of their bikes, they might actually have to learn to deal with hurt.

I know this sounds super pessimistic,  but it's ok to have a few bumps and bruises.  No place is safety taken to an extreme than in baby and child paraphernalia:

Car Seat

Totally a dorky out of date reference, but I couldn't help it.

Colton's car seat weighs 75 lbs and is more secure than Fort Knox.  If I had a blow torch and C-4 I still could not bust him out of it.  I nearly break his arms trying to lift him out of his car seat.

Baby Carriers 

Check out how cool and hip you can look

 

I was using the Bjorn at church the other day... it took me about 45 minutes to get Colton into the sling, and then another 30 minutes to realize his left arm was hanging out the leg hole at the bottom.  So, once he was securely in it, it was wonderful to have him so securely strapped to my front.  The problem occured when he started wailing.  I nearly dislocated my own arm trying to reach around to figure out how to get him out of the crazy contraption.  Some sweet lady in the restroom had to come to my aid to untangle me from the web of straps.  That did wonders for my baby's screaming.

I know safety is important, but sometimes the amount of straps and clips and clamps and ties can drive a mother who is on the edge of the cliff of Mount Frazzled, right off into Canyon of Crazy.  I think about our trip to Africa and how the women strapped their babies on their backs with one big bolt of cloth and covered their heads with a gourd to keep the sun off.  They've got it figured out.  Sorry Graco and Chicco, cause I could just duct tape Colton to my back and throw half a pumpkin over his head and we would be good to go...

Dogs and Babies...

So... for those who know me and BJ well, you will be a bit confused by the title to this post, because we are not what you would call, "Dog People".  Let's be honest, we are not what you would even call, "Animal People".  We always sheepishly say this with bowed head, knowing that we are ostracizing about 90% of the population, but, hey... I like to live dangerously.

I am not much of a dog person, but living in Austin, Texas, I have been exposed to an overabundance of Dog Parks.  Dog Parks are an interesting phenomenon.. you can smell them at 50 paces, especially during the summer when most Austin Dog Parks are a dust bowl of dirt mixed with a large amount of doggie doodie... lovely!!

So many of you will cringe when I compare my experiences in the Nursing Room at church with the local dog park.  But, believe me... they are similar.

Dog Parks & Nursing Rooms:

• Both created to allow freedom:  Dogs can run freely and mothers can nurse in privacy
• Owners/Parents all have very strong opinions on rearing:  They LOVE to share them openly and without prompting
• Uniquely outfitted for the demographic:  Fences and dog toys/ rocking chairs and pillows
• Conversation only revolves around the dogs/kids: Never once is there a depth of interest into the adult's life.
• Isolated from the rest of society:  Corralled to a specific area like a pariah 
• Adults know each other's dogs/kids names but not each other's:  The dogs/ kids are friends, but heaven forbid the owners/parents have any real conversation. 
• No identity of their own: Always known as "Rover's Owner" or "Heidi's Mom"

Don't get me wrong... the nursing mother's room is a wonderful gift.  It allows me to still be in community and be able to slip away and feed Colton when I need the privacy.  I just wonder at the accepted culture of the environment. 

It all hit me the first couple of times I was in the room... women came in and out to do their "business" without so much as a real conversation or any real interaction.  It mimics the interaction on an elevator... a means to an end, not a catalyst for community.

Just a thought....FYI:  I don't like the term "Nursing Mother's Room".  I think is sounds too formal.  Let's just call it what it is:

• Boob Room
• Mammary Lane
• Milk Duct Den
• Suckling Center
• Lactating Land
• Nursing Niche 

Just a thought..... :)

Social Experiment

I am constantly amazed at the things babies can get away with...  There seems to be a different set of social norms specific to infants and toddlers.   There are things that babies are not only "allowed" to do, but are found cute that, if done by an adult, would result in social censure. 

Examples:

1.  Pooping in public:  Colton will make a grimace that makes you think his head is about to explode.  No, his head is not exploding.. he is simply pooping.  And do we gasp in horror?... no, we cheer him on.

2.  "Ripping one" in public:   Where else in life can you sit on someone's lap and let out a reverberating fog horn and have everyone cheer, "YEA!! That was a good one bubba!!!"

3.  Spitting up on down someone's front:  Only if you are a frat daddy in your Sophomore year in college is it quasi appropriate to puke on someone else.  And that is only a socially acceptable behavior between the hours of 1:00am and 2:00am.  After that, they turn back into a pumpkin and become "that guy".

4.  Sucking on your fingers:  We "ooo" and "ahh" as Colton sucks on his precious little fingers, but as an adult, the only slightly appropriate time to suck your fingers is if you
                    A) get a paper cut, and then you only have a 5 second window in which to suck your   finger.  Any lingering after the 5 second rule results in a decrease in public opinion.
                    B)  when you are eating cheetos and the leftover cheese residue remains on your fingers.  However, you have to very quickly lick off the neon orange cheese and if you are caught, you have to smile sheepishly as if you are aware of how low on the social appropriate scale that action is.

 5.  Wearing a "Snap Crotch" outfit:  Imagine seeing a grown man hanging out at the local coffee shop reading his newspaper wearing a snap crotch onesie... not a pretty sight.  I have enough issue with the current appropriate male onesie out there:  the wrestler's singlet and the cyclist's spandex get up.  Add a snap crotch to either of those, and we are in big trouble.

6.  Bed head is not only acceptable, but "adorable":  The crazier Colton's hair... the cuter.

So here is the social experiment I will throw out there to the world and see who would be willing to jump on board...  Is there a brave soul who would be willing to try all the "cute baby norms" in public and see how many strange looks they receive... not to mention the number of arrests.

Unfortunately... I think my husband would be the first to sign up for that challenge.  Lucky me!!!