Now that I have successfully navigated the journey of pregnancy, the road of motherhood stretches out before me. I figure recording my crazy thoughts and notions along this adventure is a whole lot cheaper than counseling or happy hour...
Let me introduce you to someone I just met this weekend... His name is "Ranch BJ". When I married him 3 glorious years ago, he kept telling me that I did not truly know him fully because I had never met "Ranch BJ" before. Well, I can say for certain that I fully know my husband now. In the words of our friend Dave, "Welcome back, Ranch BJ"...
Check out the "guns".. plural
Welcome back, Ranch BJ
Now, as for being a good mommy... I took the following picture to try and usher my son into his alter ego... "Ranch Colton". And, yes... those are rotten antlers from a dead carcass. We are trying to man him up!!
Everyone loves freshly squeezed OJ. But the orange juice I am referring to is not from Florida. This "juice" is of the dairy variety, and the "oranges" I'm talking about look nice in a sweater. No, this OJ is the life blood of babies. I have recently experienced what working moms have to endure to ensure that their child is drinking freshly squeezed "orange juice" instead of the "juice" from "concentrate". (we all on the same page... ok)
I have been subbing at my old school on Fridays. It's a great setup. I get out of the house and make a little money while seeing my old coworkers and my husband or mom gets the chance to hang out with Baby Colton. The only down side is the fact that I am still using a "juicer".
Now, it's all about timing. As you know, teachers are given a specific conference period and lunch, so your "juicing" times have to be compatible. Secondly, you have to find a special locations where you can have some privacy and then you have to be stealthy about skulking off to said location to do your business.
Meanwhile, as you are "juicing", you are petrified that at any moment another teacher is going to use their teacher key and walk in on you while your "oranges" are displayed in great splendor. You quickly to the deed, and then have to find a way to refrigerate your "orange juice" and clean your "juicer" before the next class starts.
There are a number of parenting myths out there. Some of which have actually been tested and sworn to by a number of specialist and theorists and doctors. Here is an interesting concept... babies are not an algebraic equation. There isn't only one answer. I always hated math because there was only one answer. I preferred English because, as long as you could validate your response and back it up with evidence, you could be correct.
Like I said, babies are not equations.... there is NOT only one way to raise and train them. Therefore, I have compiled a list of Parenting Myths that are floating around out there.
Myth #1: After 3 days of "crying it out", babies will fall asleep on their own.
I don't know what angelic children are out there, but all these people who say that magically, after three days their kids LOVE to go to bed and fall asleep with out any trouble have obviously not met my child. We have been letting his "cry it out" for weeks now. Some days are A+ and others are D-.
Myth #2: Video monitors are ideal
Pooh on that one. Yes, it is nice to peak at your child without the dreaded creak of the door waking them from their slumber, but for parents of naptime screamers, this is the devil. Now, not only do you get to hear your child wail in amplified splendor, you can watch them writhe about on their bed in agony.
Myth #3: Nap when your baby naps
This is a great idea if your child sleeps for hours on end. Great idea in theory... however, for us lucky moms whose babies only sleep for maybe an hour max, this is what nap time for us looks like once the baby is down:
5 minutes to stare off into space
5 minutes to shower
5 minutes to change clothes without spit up
10 minutes to toss around in bed
5 minutes to soothe the baby back to sleep when they wake up
5 minutes to get yourself comfortable in bed again
Baby wakes up from nap.... awesome...
I swore I would never do it.... but tonight, I finally did. I had to take my son's temperature in his "special place". I always thought there would be ways around it. I thought that I could be that one mommy who found a way never to have to invade her son's backporch. But, alas... I have now entered the great hall of the famous mothers of the past who have had to subject their children to a rectal thermometer.
Like any good mother (or mom freaked and icked out) I read my instructions very carefully. Here is my favorite except from the directions:
"A rectal temperature is taken by inserting the thermometer (ther-MOM-uh-ter) gently in your child's rectum.The rectum is the end of the bowel. The opening into the rectum is called the anus. The anus is the hole in your child's bottom where a bowel movement (BM) is passed from the body. Make sure you follow directions for taking a rectal temperature very carefully."
First of all... way too many "no-no" words in the above. I actually giggled like a 12 year old boy as I read. Secondly, I guess they are assuming you are a total moron and have to give you a little anatomy lesson in case you missed that day in biology. And my final favorite thing in those instructions was the fact that not only did they say "bowel movement", but they wanted to clarify what they meant by citing "BM" just in case you were confused and thought they were referring to an exercise for your colon.
But the cherry on top of the whole experience was the picture that accompanied the directions...check it out:
Things not right about the following picture:
A. What's up with the mom's lips? B. She looks like she is smoking a cigarette while spanking her kid... C. The kid has rock'n biceps