Tuesday, August 24, 2010

6 Days past due...

Pregnancy is a waiting game, but when the due date comes and goes... the waiting game gets a little old.  People are so thoughtful and loving to show their concern... there is a pallor about a woman who has not yet had her baby; a dark cloud that hovers above their head; a target right on the center of their stomach that cries, "there is a baby still in here!"

These wonderful friends want to show their concern, but there comes a point when the questions and comments begin to sound the same and as the days progress, the tone of their voices creep from compassion to pity.  Here are some of the questions and comments to avoid saying to a pregnant friend who is past her due date:

Question #1:
"So, no baby yet?" ( Really?...this question should only be asked by someone who is visually impaired.)
"No.. had the baby, but left him at home with the parakeet and decided to shove a beach ball under my shirt of old time sake"

Question #2:
"Do you know when the baby will come?" 
"Yes, I am psychic and know the cure for cancer."

Question #3:
"How are you feeling?"
"I feel amazing... like I have a two ton bowling ball strapped to my front and the feeling as if someone kicked me in the pelvis... feeling awesome!!  Did you enjoy your colonoscopy?"

Question #4:
"Are you hot?"
"No... even though it is 104 degrees outside and my shoes melt on the asfalt, it is a little known fact that along with amniotic fluid and a placenta, babies in the womb come with an oscillating fan."

I think I could make a great deal of money if I created a T-shirt that asked and answered all these questions so that your dear friends would not have to...

PS.. for real, thanks to everyone who has been supportive and encouraging...

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Late December in Texas

I feel like it is late December in Texas... all month long you crossed your fingers and hoped against hope that this was the year... it was really going to happen.  The days clicked by and the weather turned colder and on Christmas eve you prayed that a Christmas miracle would take place; that you would wake up the next morning and there would be... SNOW....

Inevitably, the next morning there was a sense of disappointment as you realized, yet again, there was no snow in December in Texas.  Wahwah...

That is how it's been every day since the due date.  Each morning we wake up and ask ourselves, "Is this the day?"  Every night we wonder, "What early morning hour will we wake up and be in labor?"  And every day this big ole' belly just mockingly laughs... "just kidding"!!

(FYI:  I'm only two days over due... drama inserted for theatrical effect)

Thoughts I have had about being overdue (remember, the hormones are doing most of the thinking)
1.  Is Firebaby just really bad with directions and can't figure out which way is South?
2.  Did Firebaby misplace his/her evacuation manual?
3.  Wouldn't it be easier if a lady's "secret garden" had gates like the jaws of a boa constrictor... that they could just dislocated in order to get the baby out. 
4.  Can't Firebaby just press the belly button and the trap door will just open?
5.  Will Firebaby's skin be darker cause he/she has been toasting longer?
6.  Is Firebaby crouched under his/her desk because he/she thought it was a tornado drill instead of a fire drill?
6.  Do doctor's schedule inducement based more on the size of the baby or the level of crazies the mother is experiencing post due date?

Things to think about....

Tuesday, August 17, 2010


So tomorrow is supposed to be the "BIG DAY".. however, I do not think that is going to become a reality.  So many of my friends have given me advice on how to "make the baby come".   I am coming to believe that these suggestions are from the law firm of "Tooth Fairy, Santa, and Sasquatch".

Myth #1:  Spicy Food
This is definitely a myth.  The only thing that spicy Mexican food will give you is a bottle of tums and a fun filled night of heartburn.

Myth #2:  Walking half on the curb/ half on the street
This is one of the more creative urban legends.  The only possible outcome of this particular myth (being particularly nimble at 9 months) is a broken ankle while going into labor.  There could be a plus to this myth... you could kill two birds with one stone and have your ankle set while getting an epidural. 

Myth #3: "High-Fiving" your husband
There are several downfalls to this particular myth.  First of all, when you are the size of the Titanic, it's challenging to "high five".  Secondly, there is not a huge desire to actually "high five" your husband... you love him dearly, but there is an alien doing the cha cha in your tummy.  Finally, the actual physics of giving a "high five" becomes a challenge when there is a watermelon strapped to your abdomen. 

Myth #4:  Drinking Castor Oil
There actually might be some truth to this one, but, come on... it's Castor oil.

BJ and I had a couple of suggestions to add to the list of wives tales....
1.  Trail of bread crumbs (or a brownie... whatever...)
2.  Shine a flashlight and chant "go towards the light"
3.  Jumping on a trampoline
4.  Riding on the back of a camel
5.  Have someone jump out and scare you (works with the hiccups)
6.  Something with osmosis???

Monday, August 16, 2010

2 Days Left... sick and cruel joke

I was so excited this morning.  Last night I was feeling some cramping.  Having never been pregnant, I don't really know what to expect from contractions.  Everyone has there own descriptions:  knife to the stomach, menstration cramping, someone ripping your face off... so it's hard for me to really know what to expect.

My childbirth classes did not really help to prepare me in this arena.  They had us practice breathing through the contractions.  However, their "mock" contraction consisted of passing out a  clothes pin to each person and telling us to attach it to our ear.  This was supposed to simulate a contraction?  Really... a clothes pin stuck on your earlobe...

Maybe this could equal a contraction
Well, you can imagine the sight... 12 women and 12 men with clothes pins hanging off their ears and panting various rhythms of "huuhuu hee".  This is what child birth is like?  Because the movies act as if a watermelon is being ripped out of a button hole...

Back on topic... This morning for my doctor's appointment I was so excited to think I might have been having some contractions last night.  He did his little "doctor check the special area" thing and replied that there was no change.  The lid was completely intact.  There was no "hole in the ozone".  Nada...  this baby ain't planning on coming out.

So, I am off to the gym to stair step this baby out!! 

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Things Not To Say/ Do at 39/40 Weeks

I have learned some things not to say or things not to do when I am so close to my due date...

1.  "Uh Oh!!":  Even when I am in the kitchen and happen to drop a spoon on the floor, I am not allowed to cry out.  If I do, my sweet husband comes running in (in various stages of dress) because he thinks I am in labor.

2.  "Oooooh...!!":  When I am slipping into a soothing bath, I must hold in the sign of relief, no matter how great the comfort, otherwise... sweet husband will run in with a huge smile on his face, "you in labor?"

3. Simple phone calls:  I now cannot simply call my husband anymore.  He answers the phone.. "are you in labor?"  I now have to text him first and let him know that my next call has nothing to do with baby.

4.  Never mention anything thing about "water or wet":  I could spill water on myself or on the floor while doing dishes.  I could splash myself with the water hose.  I could be ringing out my swimming suit.  It doesn't matter.  I cannot utter the words "water or wet". 

5.  "BJ..":  I pretty much cannot call his name out from another room.  I could simply be asking him to help me pick something up off the ground(see the post about the blackhole), or I could be asking him what time we have to be at church tomorrow.  It doesn't matter.  If I call out his name, he comes running into the room, expecting... baby.

So, a new set of rules for the last week of pregnancy.  It's kind of like staring at a deer... don't make any sudden moves...

Saturday, August 14, 2010

My Sweet Husband

There is an old adage:  "when it rains, it pours".. in our house, that is literally the case.  I thought we were over our "watergate" incident (overflowing washing machine), but I was wrong. 

How To Fool The Hormones
I kid you not, my sweet husband as figured out how to outsmart the hormone monsters.  BRILLIANT

I had spent a relaxing day sewing a baby blanket with my mom when I came home.  My husband met me at the door with a Cheshire Cat smile... something was up.  I was informed what our toilet was overflowing.  But being the intelligent man that he is, in one single breathe, he explained not only what was wrong, but how he was going to fix it and how little it would cost and how easy it would be to solve. 

This man is so wise... he knew (or learned from two 1/2 years of daily life with his best friends, my emotions) that if he continued talking without giving me time to react, cry, think, or say a word he could fool my emotions into believing that there was not a problem in the first place.

Very smart... the blitz worked and the hormones remained latent.. dormant to react another day.  He is currently as I write repairing our toilet and fixing our faucet and I have not had an emotional break down.  What a hero!!  (oh, wait... just heard a terrible sounding noise coming from the bathroom...)

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

My Frugal Nursery

For those who do not know me well, I might be the cheapest person on earth, only second to my Paw Paw (whose favorite jacket is an HEB sacker's jacket he found in a parking lot).  I hate to spend money and I love to look for inexpensive ways to decorate.  So, when we started planning a nursery, my Frugal Frita side really came out.

In case you live under a rock and have never browsed through a Potterybarn or Restoration Hardware catalog, Nurseries are a BIG DEAL to our society.  People will decorate the room as if it is a Sultan's Palace... and this is for a baby...a little person who eats, spits up, and poops.  They are not concerned if you have the right mobile, or the appropriate changing table, or if you have searched for the perfect wall color.  They are not looking at the window curtains or the embellished seat cushion.

Never the less, our society has put great stock in nursery decor.  I was not even going to have  theme until my mom's sweet friends threw me a themed shower... "Feather Your Nest".  BTW, BJ hates birds with a passion, so he has had to really get over the upchuch reflex as he walks into the room.

I have attached some pics of some of the ways I was able to save a little money:

Rocker:  This is my brother and sister in law's rocker they used with both their children.  (free)

Crib:  Also Curtis& Stacey's crib... my sweet mom has held onto this for about 7 years, waiting and praying that I would:
a) get married and
b) have  baby

best part... (free)

Changing Table:  I bought this dresser on craigslist for $60 and used the wall color to paint the pulls.


Wall art:  Here is where I went to a new low of "cheap".  I wanted the look of Audubon prints but was not willing to pay full price.  I first went to Half Priced Books looking for an Audubon Book to zerox, but even those books were about $30 used.  I then decided to go online and look for some printable copies.  For the cost of colored ink and three pieces of printer paper, I was able to print these beautiful copies.  I also went to Hobby Lobby and purchased $3 wooden frames I painted white to finish the effect. 

Bedding:  My sweet mother who is a dynamite seamstress made the bedding and window valance.  They are beautiful.  BTW, the "bless this nest" sign was simply purchased from TJ Maxx by a friend. 

Redefined:  Because our house is so small, we do not have a formal dining room.  I had to put my Gran Gran's china cabinet in the nursery.  So, I simply had to redefine it's purpose.  I packed up all my Gran Gran's china into my kitchen cabinets and created a storage hutch with inexpensive baskets for storage and shelves for picture frames and books.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

8 days left

Hysterics don't make the baby come early:

First of all, hysterical situations have not worked.  Yesterday I went into the garage to check the laundry because it was making a thumping sound.  I look at the ground around the washer and it is covered with water.  Of course, because of the attack of the hormones, I went nuts.  I immediately pick up the phone and hysterically call BJ.  In the midst of my hysteria, all I can say over and over again is, "There's water everywhere".  Of course, his natural reaction is to think that my water broke... Not a fun game to play on your husband.

So he comes running home and realizes that its just the washer... but in the meantime, he has to contend with the dreaded hormones as I pretty much lose it.  Picture this:  The tasmanian devil spinning around making all those weird grunting, spitting noises:  that's what I look like.  My sweet husband just stands there until I putter out of steam and then comes over and gives me hug (he has learned to control the laughter... that just makes the demons worse).

What hysterics will do:
Being 9 months pregnant and hysterical will accomplish one thing:  it gets you a brand new washing machine!!  That's right... as I waddled through Lowes with BJ looking for the extra part to fix our washing machine, we ran into the old "floor model" section where there are discounted appliances.  We looked at the discounted washer...then to the broken washer piece in his hand...back at the washer... and then to my stomach..

We walked out with a new washing machine.  I think I use my last pregnancy card on that one...

Monday, August 9, 2010

9 More Days...

I went to the doctor today and was a bit disappointed when he said that there was "no change" to the "baby lid".  Now you can only assumed what the "baby lid" might be, and because this is a public site, I will not be using the technical term. 

I have learned a great deal of technical terms having to do with giving birth and most of them are so disturbing that I have tried to block them out of my internal dictionary.  I have tried to rename them all to be more appropriate: 
1. mucus plug:  "champagne cork"
2. water breaking: "leaky faucet"
3. crowning:  "turtle necking"
4. contractions:  "stab me in the abdomen"
5. epidural:  "salvation juice"

As the baby approaches (slowly and at his/hers own pace) I realized that I do not have any pictures of me pregnant.  I know I make a big deal about not wanting to post all sorts of strange pregnancy pics, but I did get in trouble from a friend who chastised me for not giving baby bump updates... I also realized that I need to document for little firebaby how ginormous he/she made me!!! 

Tuesday, August 3, 2010


There is a new term in my vocabulary:  "Blackhole".  The blackhole consists of a space that sucks time and light...  In my case, it is the floor.  To me, the floor has now become a black hole.

Because of my new lack of flexibility, when things drop on the floor, it takes an act of God to pick it up.  I either A) have to get on my hands and knees, or B) use my toes to pick it up.

There are unfortunate consequences of both:
A)  I never rise again and spend the next two weeks on the floor... I might want to invest in a Life Call button to wear around my neck...
B)  Picking things up with my toes no longer works.  My feet do not rise higher than my knees and my arms no longer reach my knees.  The physics don't seem to be working.

New rule:  "If it drops on the floor, it's gone."

Monday, August 2, 2010


So I am almost at 38 weeks.  Like most stages of pregnancy, all your well wishing friends want to share their stories and give advice.  This stage is no exception.  Some people swear that your baby will come two weeks early.  Some people swear your baby will be a week late.  Everyone has an opinion of how to either "make" baby come, or "prevent" baby from coming.

There are some of the interesting challenges of having an "unplanned" pregnancy... (I shutter to even phrase it that way, because the term "unplanned" immediately makes you think of that sad 15 year old on the tv commercials cowering in the corner clutching the phone trying to figure out who she can talk to about her "mistake")  By unplanned, I simply mean that I am a terrible counter and have never been any good with math or remembering dates and numbers.  "Unplanned" to me and Bj simply means... God's perfect plan for our crazy little life.

Anyway... the challenges of "God's perfect plan" is that there were other things on the calendar before precious little firebaby came onto our radar.  For example, BJ's middle school summer camp falls this week, just two weeks before firebaby arrives.  Interesting challenge #1

My darling husband has about 47 different back up plans on how he will be able to get home in time for the birth of little squirt.  I think one is calling the A-Team to help him hijack an airplane and parachute his way onto the roof of St. David's hospital. 
So I am husbandless this week.  No worries... my doctor says baby isn't coming any time soon.  Perfect news as I leave his office and get into my car... the seats burning the flesh of my thighs as the thermometer reads 120 degrees... The joys of buying a black car!!  The joys of being 9 months preggers in August in Texas.  Firebaby... hold on a week till Daddy gets home...

Ohh... forgot to say that I do feel 15 and pregnant because I  am staying with my mom and dad while BJ is gone.  Nothing like being pregnant and sleeping in your highschool room.